I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sorry about my life...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
