Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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