I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He passed out mid-signature
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
