I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
