im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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