There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Vodka?
Forever.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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