I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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