I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
