My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My friends, they love my intelligence
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
