I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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