the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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