one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
