She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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