if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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