you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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