Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
