my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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