"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize