I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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