margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
