Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I wish there were birth control emojis
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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