you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
