Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
