I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
