the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
