she takes plan B like it's going out of style
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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