3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
