I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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