You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize