My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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