the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
