No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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