Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
