Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
