Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
