You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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