We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I am midnight drunk by noon
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
