just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You can't just leave with hair like that
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
