oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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