Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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