We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
