I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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