i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize