why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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