theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
