There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
