It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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