nut hugger
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
did i walk over a car last night?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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