dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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