You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
