Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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