I heard we made out
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
