i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
