god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
