I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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