I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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