im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
When are your genitals available?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
