So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
