please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
organizing the empties. That sober.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
