i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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