I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
